Today is seriously the perfect writing weather, so I figured I would step in and write an entry. I am currently lounging on my couch in my living room, surrounded with blankets, candles, and homemade hot chocolate. I love it, and how cozy and relaxed I feel. The only reason I am here right now rather than sitting in class is due to WPI’s decision shut down campus in preparation for Hurricane Sandy. I’ll take it.
This term academically has been off to a slow start. This was due to change today, which would have been that slap in the face of homework and project changes that everyone gets at the beginning of each term (I see you all nodding your heads in agreement). This week is also the beginning of recruitment, and while recruitment is one of my favorite parts of being an Alpha Gam, it still takes out a lot of time and energy from my day. Even though classes have not been crazy yet, this past week personally/emotionally has not been a fun one for me. I felt drained coming into today, rather than rested from the weekend. I was nervous that I would have a hard time handling the load with everything else being steadily added to my plate.
But, today was cancelled. I get a free pass to rest. For once it is actually encouraged that I stay in my apartment for the day. I do not feel like I am stealing time to do this, or that I am not worthy of having this break. This is the biggest relief that I could have hoped for. Some of you might get this, and others of you might just think I am crazy for saying this. But for those that understand, read on.
So, now that I’m done rambling about my schedule, my life, blah blah blah… I’m hitting the main point of my post. Before writing this post, I did not plan on resting much today. I was going to be doing homework and cooking and cleaning and laundry and letter writing and then maybe take an hour of well-deserved rest. In general, I still struggle with feeling guilty when I “steal” time from my daily schedule to rest. For this reason, I only fill my Google calendar with mandatory classes and meetings. Optional ones do not make the list. Otherwise I would feel stressed if I were to miss it. Much of my “unscheduled” time is still dedicated to being busy.
I believe this is a problem that all high-achieving women struggle with. That basically encompasses the whole female population at WPI. Fill your schedule with activities to feel validated. Feel guilty when you miss a commitment or do not perform as well as expected, even if you have a reasonable excuse. In your head it is not reasonable, and you just feel like you are letting down everyone else. The last thing we want to hear is that this is actually the case, that we really are disappointing those around us. This confirms our fears and our suspicions, that we cannot live up to what we want ourselves to be. Eventually we start cutting into the time that ACTUALLY matters: our meals, our sleep schedule, our time with loved ones, our exercise routine, our overall health and well-being. I cannot stress this enough. Mainly because I have not listened to myself enough… my head and heart never like being in total agreement it seems.
Maybe this all is not just something I need to learn. It is something that I need to consciously think about every single day, and commit myself to acting out on a daily basis. This is why my close friends feel like I harp on this issue a lot, because it IS something that should be considered every single day. If I continue busying myself until I have no time to take care of myself, then how can I expect to live a long, healthy life? I only have one body to work with, so I might as well make sure that I keep it in good condition.
But then here is the scary part: things have to start coming off the schedule. I have to start considering my priorities, and I have to turn away from some things that are important, but not totally necessary. This literally is confronting the fear of failure up close and personal. It may actually look to everyone else like I am failing, and I am quitting, which is what I was fearing all along, right? Everyone is different. Someone else’s priorities are not the same as mine. But those who are important will understand that I am taking care of myself, even if they do not agree with my priorities. I would not resign unless it was necessary.
My priorities are my loved ones, my morals, my health, and the quality of my efforts towards others and in my work, probably in that order. I believe that every Alpha Gam has these priorities too (we all love our Purpose), though there will be some variety across the board. Let us possess high ideals and attain SOMEWHAT unto them. Let us cherish our friends and invest time into our relationships. Let us gain wisdom. Let us prize health and vigor of body. Let us honor our home. Let us contribute to the world’s work. We can do all of these things, but maybe not in the way we think we can. Sacrificing one will not allow us to attain what we want. Our self-validation is not achieved by trying harder; it is achieved by being true to ourselves and focusing on our priorities, instead of focusing on our material goals. To thine own self be true.
Adoveling,
KFitt
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